a mi-stress’ rant

i was supposed to meet u last night. i really wanted to. i missed u these past days, and again, i’m forced in a place where i am longing for u, and i know u aren’t missing me. days have actually passed by without a single mesage from u. u asked the group out, but it was way too far for me. hell, it’s ur call anyway. it’s so stupid of me to think that ud consider me. who am i anyway?

suddenly, i felt so alone. without ur messages, i felt that somehow, u didnt need me. which is really true in it essence. i mean, why would u need me? it’s not as if i am ur world to revolve on, and i dun’t have any vital organ parts that could make u live ur life. but i was hurt. yep, baby ko, nagtampo ako. i thot i mean much, but i guess, it’s just a fact that i should accept again and again that u can live without me. good for u, bad for me.

driving home, there’s a part in my heart that nagged me to go where u are. ur message came in just as i got out of the highway exit. i was tempted to turn back. but i didn’t. i asked Love’s permission to go, but once again, all i got were words of mistrust and doubt. Not that i can blame him, but i chose him. i got home, and he was already there. i was furious because i can’t understand his schedule for today. then he told me he plans to be absent to attend something. first instict - early home to go to the drinking session. i wasn’t able to stop myself then. but i guess it was my fault. i told him exactly as i thought it. and that started it. he shut up. i desperately wanted someone to talk to, that’s why i wanted to get out. he’s the only one i can talk to, but he wouldn’t want to talk to me. he turned his back at me. i shouted at him that i’ve been doing so much for him, not that he asked though. and here i am, begging for time with friends. he told me i am the organizer, but it wasn’t me. it was part of the job. pakikisama. like what he does when he goes drink till drunk. and i can’t say anything bout that. be he can on my part. so he told me to shut up. my last words: ive done so much for u that even put me in debt. which is true. i practically have debts more than i planned for my whole life just so he gets what he wants. as much as i can. i dun’t have much pleasures in my life. i render time off just so i can help finance his wants. i dun’t go out when its not fine with him. but what do i get? nothing. i cried myself in the shower. and  he turned on the radio.

i cried and cried and cried. i was thinking about you baby. if only i just went to see you, maybe the fight won’t be too bad. but i thot it’s time for me to be a good girl now. considering ur lack of “missing” me when u’re away. heck, cno ba ako to think about these things? i’d be seein u next week, and i wouldn’t know what u did, what u do. damn. i’m turning into a fanciful wife or gf. and im not even close to either post.

i’m so confused. after hitting the shower, i cried myself to sleep. pretending that somebody’s arms embraced me, passionate and apologizing words engulfed me… they came at nyt, after the sleeping pill.