too long

it’s been too long since i’ve written here. i guess, i tried to prove a point, or was trying but failed. i wanted to try not to contact u, and see what happens. and just as predicted, i knew what happened before it did. nothing. yep, nothing happened. i just made myself believed that something would.

last week, i missed u. if i didn’t text or IMd u, i knew u wouldn’t bother to catch my attention. why would u? damn it. im starting it all over again. i’m feeling these emotions of demanding ur affection. “i am nobody that matters.” repeat. “i am nobody that matters.”

the last time i saw u, we had dinner together and shared talks as if nothing beyond those words existed. for a moment, i believed that scene - u asked me how love’s doing, and i tried to ask questions on ur side of the fence. it seems like a scene not so long ago, when i don’t know what u felt for me, and that’s what i intended it to be. just that. no more, no less.

but i have changed. somehow. deny it as much as i wanted to, i feel hurt when i hear u mention her name in such a romantic manner. somehow, there’s this weird, eekie feeling when the conversation turns to something about her. i know who she is in ur life, and i know who i am.

maybe, im just wishin for just one thing that i know i would feel the true feelings you have for me.

but then again, maybe this is just what it is. nothing.

despite everything, i still feel something for u. i dare not attach a name to it. all i know is u’re important to me. i wished it would be easier not to meet your eye. maybe it wouldve been easier if there was nothing there really to see. but my heart says differently.

im feeling all too much.

im missin u all too much.

i dont even know what u feel for me.

a mi-stress’ rant

i was supposed to meet u last night. i really wanted to. i missed u these past days, and again, i’m forced in a place where i am longing for u, and i know u aren’t missing me. days have actually passed by without a single mesage from u. u asked the group out, but it was way too far for me. hell, it’s ur call anyway. it’s so stupid of me to think that ud consider me. who am i anyway?

suddenly, i felt so alone. without ur messages, i felt that somehow, u didnt need me. which is really true in it essence. i mean, why would u need me? it’s not as if i am ur world to revolve on, and i dun’t have any vital organ parts that could make u live ur life. but i was hurt. yep, baby ko, nagtampo ako. i thot i mean much, but i guess, it’s just a fact that i should accept again and again that u can live without me. good for u, bad for me.

driving home, there’s a part in my heart that nagged me to go where u are. ur message came in just as i got out of the highway exit. i was tempted to turn back. but i didn’t. i asked Love’s permission to go, but once again, all i got were words of mistrust and doubt. Not that i can blame him, but i chose him. i got home, and he was already there. i was furious because i can’t understand his schedule for today. then he told me he plans to be absent to attend something. first instict - early home to go to the drinking session. i wasn’t able to stop myself then. but i guess it was my fault. i told him exactly as i thought it. and that started it. he shut up. i desperately wanted someone to talk to, that’s why i wanted to get out. he’s the only one i can talk to, but he wouldn’t want to talk to me. he turned his back at me. i shouted at him that i’ve been doing so much for him, not that he asked though. and here i am, begging for time with friends. he told me i am the organizer, but it wasn’t me. it was part of the job. pakikisama. like what he does when he goes drink till drunk. and i can’t say anything bout that. be he can on my part. so he told me to shut up. my last words: ive done so much for u that even put me in debt. which is true. i practically have debts more than i planned for my whole life just so he gets what he wants. as much as i can. i dun’t have much pleasures in my life. i render time off just so i can help finance his wants. i dun’t go out when its not fine with him. but what do i get? nothing. i cried myself in the shower. and  he turned on the radio.

i cried and cried and cried. i was thinking about you baby. if only i just went to see you, maybe the fight won’t be too bad. but i thot it’s time for me to be a good girl now. considering ur lack of “missing” me when u’re away. heck, cno ba ako to think about these things? i’d be seein u next week, and i wouldn’t know what u did, what u do. damn. i’m turning into a fanciful wife or gf. and im not even close to either post.

i’m so confused. after hitting the shower, i cried myself to sleep. pretending that somebody’s arms embraced me, passionate and apologizing words engulfed me… they came at nyt, after the sleeping pill.