bared kuting

i’m not a very good fellow blogger. i dunt hope much nor do i message well. the point of my blog is really a rant pit. as kat put up in my tagboard. i am not really kuting. im katz too.. just lucky that my name is as ordinary as others. and i have to keep my identity hidden. because im baring my deepest secrets here.

in this blog, i write about the things i dunt have others to tell to. things i dunt tell my family. things i dunt tell even my closest friends. things i dunt tell the person i sleep beside with each night.

this pit encloses released heartaches, and pains from my life. i maybe a biach to u. but i guess u will never understand why.

yes, i am with someone now. someone that by law and by religion, i cannot leave less there be enough grounds for such cause. and believe me, i have done my research far well anuf to do that. but i dunt have the finances, and i am still stupid.

See, it’smy stupidity that brought me in this situation in the first place. I wasn’t this soul before. I was loyal. I was committed.

when we were starting out, i committed a mistake that i regret. Being an honest person that I was, I told love the truth. That maybe the biggest regret of my life. When i told him the truth, everything changed. Each thing he does that hurts me has been marked by what I have done to him that I’ve cried over million of times. He tried to get rid of me - its just me who wouldn’t budged.

Then we got officially together, after i promised that i’d do anything just so he chose me. that i won’t ask for anything else. What started was more and more pain. I really couldn’t blame him. Close friends and family i’ve shared my pains with told me i’ve suffered enough. why do i need to go thru it every day of my life? I love him. that’s all i can say.

Being together with love doesn’t stop other people to profess their like/ love to me. It’s a reality. i wouldn’t wonder if that girl whom i cried over tried to get close with Love. But for me, all I wanted was honesty. Which i was never entitled to ever again - being someone who have been tainted. fallen. marked.

i stopped then. I stop caring, i stopped crying. I’ve gone over several dosages of depressants to make me sleep, to make me stop thinking, to make the hurt go away even for a short a while. then i start enjoying life, with friends, with people i care about, people who respect me. Outside, people see me as a very succesful woman - with everything that I could’ve ask for. I’m not driving a car, or owning the latest cellphone. But I have enough. And I have a good position at work. This is where i drove my pains away. Where I got respect and appreciation.

This is also where I meet people who care about my misfortunes, and calm my pains away. Dear. and now baby. They told me they loved me, but they can’t be with me. Honestly, I am on the verge of moving out of Love’s relationship when dear just left me hanging. Why? Because I wanted to be with Dear - someone who loved me, pampered me. Before I used to think that love doesn’t need to be two-way nor mutual. It will always be an imbalance weight between Man and Woman in the scale. Before, when asked, “Would u be with the person who loves u, or the person u luv?”… I’ll choose the latter. But now, I learned all too early. it’s best to be with the person who loves u.

Now, I am still in Love. Not that it matters much. But, I’ve stopped feeling. I’ve stopped saying what I really wanted to say. I’ve stopped thinking it would work. For I know it won’t. Life is what we make it. And i guess, for now, this is the best I can do.

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Baby: if only bein with me is what u’ve really want in ur life, u already got urself a deal. if only i knew that i’d make and not ruin ur life, i’d probably be in ur arms right @ this moment. but it’s not me that u wanted.