too long

it’s been too long since i’ve written here. i guess, i tried to prove a point, or was trying but failed. i wanted to try not to contact u, and see what happens. and just as predicted, i knew what happened before it did. nothing. yep, nothing happened. i just made myself believed that something would.

last week, i missed u. if i didn’t text or IMd u, i knew u wouldn’t bother to catch my attention. why would u? damn it. im starting it all over again. i’m feeling these emotions of demanding ur affection. “i am nobody that matters.” repeat. “i am nobody that matters.”

the last time i saw u, we had dinner together and shared talks as if nothing beyond those words existed. for a moment, i believed that scene - u asked me how love’s doing, and i tried to ask questions on ur side of the fence. it seems like a scene not so long ago, when i don’t know what u felt for me, and that’s what i intended it to be. just that. no more, no less.

but i have changed. somehow. deny it as much as i wanted to, i feel hurt when i hear u mention her name in such a romantic manner. somehow, there’s this weird, eekie feeling when the conversation turns to something about her. i know who she is in ur life, and i know who i am.

maybe, im just wishin for just one thing that i know i would feel the true feelings you have for me.

but then again, maybe this is just what it is. nothing.

despite everything, i still feel something for u. i dare not attach a name to it. all i know is u’re important to me. i wished it would be easier not to meet your eye. maybe it wouldve been easier if there was nothing there really to see. but my heart says differently.

im feeling all too much.

im missin u all too much.

i dont even know what u feel for me.

a mi-stress’ rant

i was supposed to meet u last night. i really wanted to. i missed u these past days, and again, i’m forced in a place where i am longing for u, and i know u aren’t missing me. days have actually passed by without a single mesage from u. u asked the group out, but it was way too far for me. hell, it’s ur call anyway. it’s so stupid of me to think that ud consider me. who am i anyway?

suddenly, i felt so alone. without ur messages, i felt that somehow, u didnt need me. which is really true in it essence. i mean, why would u need me? it’s not as if i am ur world to revolve on, and i dun’t have any vital organ parts that could make u live ur life. but i was hurt. yep, baby ko, nagtampo ako. i thot i mean much, but i guess, it’s just a fact that i should accept again and again that u can live without me. good for u, bad for me.

driving home, there’s a part in my heart that nagged me to go where u are. ur message came in just as i got out of the highway exit. i was tempted to turn back. but i didn’t. i asked Love’s permission to go, but once again, all i got were words of mistrust and doubt. Not that i can blame him, but i chose him. i got home, and he was already there. i was furious because i can’t understand his schedule for today. then he told me he plans to be absent to attend something. first instict - early home to go to the drinking session. i wasn’t able to stop myself then. but i guess it was my fault. i told him exactly as i thought it. and that started it. he shut up. i desperately wanted someone to talk to, that’s why i wanted to get out. he’s the only one i can talk to, but he wouldn’t want to talk to me. he turned his back at me. i shouted at him that i’ve been doing so much for him, not that he asked though. and here i am, begging for time with friends. he told me i am the organizer, but it wasn’t me. it was part of the job. pakikisama. like what he does when he goes drink till drunk. and i can’t say anything bout that. be he can on my part. so he told me to shut up. my last words: ive done so much for u that even put me in debt. which is true. i practically have debts more than i planned for my whole life just so he gets what he wants. as much as i can. i dun’t have much pleasures in my life. i render time off just so i can help finance his wants. i dun’t go out when its not fine with him. but what do i get? nothing. i cried myself in the shower. and  he turned on the radio.

i cried and cried and cried. i was thinking about you baby. if only i just went to see you, maybe the fight won’t be too bad. but i thot it’s time for me to be a good girl now. considering ur lack of “missing” me when u’re away. heck, cno ba ako to think about these things? i’d be seein u next week, and i wouldn’t know what u did, what u do. damn. i’m turning into a fanciful wife or gf. and im not even close to either post.

i’m so confused. after hitting the shower, i cried myself to sleep. pretending that somebody’s arms embraced me, passionate and apologizing words engulfed me… they came at nyt, after the sleeping pill.

in a place where i am urs

i guess all i’m going to post here is just lamentations. actually, i’m not that sure. but all i know is that, this is what i feel right now. pardon fellow bloggers who came here and were lookin for happy bloggin. as of now, i have only few happy thoughts.. like last night…

* * *

last night, i was urs again. we got in the car, and drove away from the rest of the world. i didn’t glance back. i am with u, and that’s all the matters. i shut the cell off, in case anyone calls. Nothing and no one matters - except u.

we went to get some food, eat, talk. i was in ur embrace. i got lost in ur kisses. wat i claimed earlier that i would not do, i did. i fell once more in ur presence. devilish eyes, ragged tuff, hot lips, warm hands. when u hold me, i could not think about nothing else but us. in that place where i can be urs, i was urs for all time.

u didn’t want me to kiss ur lips. pretty woman? u might fall? it hurt u know. not being to kiss ur lips. when everytime i see them, kissing them is the only salvation i could think from this damned existence.

when u touched me, it felt like the most wonderful thing in the world. i really missed being with u. just a touch of the hand makes my body quiver with longing and passion. u really got me, baby. got me completely tied around ur finger. being engulfed in ur embrace is the most natural thing in the world - like breathing.

 all the time, i couldn’t stop kissing u, hugging u, tellin u how much i missed u, how much i loved u.

there was a brief moment that i looked u in ur eyes, and u looked at me back. for a moment, i felt that u really really loved me too much to let go. i was looking at u beyond the hair covering my face. there were thoughts in ur eyes i couldn’t quite fathom. i don’t want to assume what u were thinking. then u said:

what if we have met earlier?

baby ko, u have no idea what those words meant to me. i know what u’re thinking. or at least, that’s how i’d like to think it. that u were wishing u knew me earlier, and we could be that happy couple we are now, without having to go away from the world. no predefined codes to send messages, no long-time scheduling to be with each other, no lies.

when u told me those words, i did not trust myself to respond, for i fear i would bare again what’s inside my heart, and i couldn’t bear what u would have to say later on.

when we went home, u even slipped: u called me her name. i pretended not to notice. that was the 2nd time. before i asked u, “what did u call me?” and now, i didn’t. because in all honestly, if i can’t be with u, i thought of times before that if only i could be her. just so i can be with u…

it was such a nice night. bein urs. i look forward to more of them. moments spent in ur arms while the world sleeps.

* * *

Baby: i really did missed u all these time. spending time with u last night made me ache for the times i’ve tried to be away from u because i felt u didn’t love me anymore. regardless of ur feelings, i guess all that matters is how i felt in ur arms.

bared kuting

i’m not a very good fellow blogger. i dunt hope much nor do i message well. the point of my blog is really a rant pit. as kat put up in my tagboard. i am not really kuting. im katz too.. just lucky that my name is as ordinary as others. and i have to keep my identity hidden. because im baring my deepest secrets here.

in this blog, i write about the things i dunt have others to tell to. things i dunt tell my family. things i dunt tell even my closest friends. things i dunt tell the person i sleep beside with each night.

this pit encloses released heartaches, and pains from my life. i maybe a biach to u. but i guess u will never understand why.

yes, i am with someone now. someone that by law and by religion, i cannot leave less there be enough grounds for such cause. and believe me, i have done my research far well anuf to do that. but i dunt have the finances, and i am still stupid.

See, it’smy stupidity that brought me in this situation in the first place. I wasn’t this soul before. I was loyal. I was committed.

when we were starting out, i committed a mistake that i regret. Being an honest person that I was, I told love the truth. That maybe the biggest regret of my life. When i told him the truth, everything changed. Each thing he does that hurts me has been marked by what I have done to him that I’ve cried over million of times. He tried to get rid of me - its just me who wouldn’t budged.

Then we got officially together, after i promised that i’d do anything just so he chose me. that i won’t ask for anything else. What started was more and more pain. I really couldn’t blame him. Close friends and family i’ve shared my pains with told me i’ve suffered enough. why do i need to go thru it every day of my life? I love him. that’s all i can say.

Being together with love doesn’t stop other people to profess their like/ love to me. It’s a reality. i wouldn’t wonder if that girl whom i cried over tried to get close with Love. But for me, all I wanted was honesty. Which i was never entitled to ever again - being someone who have been tainted. fallen. marked.

i stopped then. I stop caring, i stopped crying. I’ve gone over several dosages of depressants to make me sleep, to make me stop thinking, to make the hurt go away even for a short a while. then i start enjoying life, with friends, with people i care about, people who respect me. Outside, people see me as a very succesful woman - with everything that I could’ve ask for. I’m not driving a car, or owning the latest cellphone. But I have enough. And I have a good position at work. This is where i drove my pains away. Where I got respect and appreciation.

This is also where I meet people who care about my misfortunes, and calm my pains away. Dear. and now baby. They told me they loved me, but they can’t be with me. Honestly, I am on the verge of moving out of Love’s relationship when dear just left me hanging. Why? Because I wanted to be with Dear - someone who loved me, pampered me. Before I used to think that love doesn’t need to be two-way nor mutual. It will always be an imbalance weight between Man and Woman in the scale. Before, when asked, “Would u be with the person who loves u, or the person u luv?”… I’ll choose the latter. But now, I learned all too early. it’s best to be with the person who loves u.

Now, I am still in Love. Not that it matters much. But, I’ve stopped feeling. I’ve stopped saying what I really wanted to say. I’ve stopped thinking it would work. For I know it won’t. Life is what we make it. And i guess, for now, this is the best I can do.

* * *

Baby: if only bein with me is what u’ve really want in ur life, u already got urself a deal. if only i knew that i’d make and not ruin ur life, i’d probably be in ur arms right @ this moment. but it’s not me that u wanted.

iwntu

i dun’t really think that u’re missin me more than i miss u. For weeks, i’ve been trying so desperately to forget ur existence - ur existence in my heart. For weeks, i’ve cried deep down. I have questions that will never be answered. For the very reason that I am never that one u chose to be with forever. not that i have any say on the matter. as i am with someone else as well.

u said u missed me. u missed my smell, my embrace, my hug, my kisses. u want me to envelope u in my arms. i asked for how long? u told me u want to be with me till 10pm. i asked, can it be 4ever. u answered the statement i always tell u when we were kiddin before.

Be careful wat u wish for.

I tried so hard not to fall too much. i thot i can stop my heart from fallin for u too much, from believing in heaven, from being mesmerized in ur gaze. Yeah, i still have my mind in tact, thanks for u. U keep me sane in moments when I thot i could forsake forever just to be with u. But u will never know just how much i crave ur sole attention. U will never know. u dun’t have to know.

i know, now, more than ever, u never thot the what ifs questions u asked the time that u were confused. i guess, u have put me in the pedestal where i really am this girl that u can be with at times that u want me to be. if u have time…

How weird. All along we were pretty fine… until i asked what happened the time I really felt, reality kicked in. All the time, u were insisting to be with me tonight. just for a time. oh i remember.. in a place where i can be urs. “in a place where u can be mine”something like that. u dunt know the warmth of feeling that came over me. it sounds like a dream - that dream that can only be too good for reality.

i asked u if it’s okay that when the time comes u have to avoid me, to tell me… u asked if i wanted u to avoid me already. i told u, course not. it’s actually weird. i can’t seem to pass u by, neither do u, looking into each others eyes. before i could do it with. straight to ur eye, tell u i love u. well, i guess because before it doesn’t mean anything much than friendship. but now it’s different. u told me it will eventally come - one day, i would go, u will move away. these very notion left my heart broken once again. i remember, i asked u before, or rather, i told u… “when the time comes that u’re married, i know u’d leave me..”  i would understand why there is a need to leave me anyway. my mind understands the logic and my heart respects her, but there is a part of my heart that will plunge deep wound. it hurts now just thinking of it. i wonder how much havoc it would create when it comes.

i guess for now, i’ll just have to make do with what’s here for now. live the moment in ur arms. where i call u baby, and i am ur baby, too. for now. just now. i love you.

are u busy later?

u dun’t really know how much i’ve been longing to hear those words of invitation. i know i’m so dumb and stupid to long for it. and yet im still here, waitin for those words.

after 4 weeks, it’s here.

but i don’t know what to respond… am i turning cold? am i really starting to be “self-righteous” again? am i turning back to the person i was before - committed and loyal?

i want to go with u later, even for a short time, spend time in ur embrace. i want to really..

he called me baby

i thot it was a rebound. he kept insisting that he was the one who hurt me, who made me feel so broken. i would have wished it was him then, then at least by that time, its the start of the end.

but it wasn’t him.

this is where he entered my life.

that time, i opened up to him how i felt like a biatch. i am in a relationship, but i fell for someone else who claimed to love me dearly. this someone else, Love, would be re-told later on. i’m still reeling this relationship with Baby.

we were talkin online, when i told him abot Love. i thot he was so arrogant - thinking he was love. ok fine, he admitted he had a crush on me 1st time he saw me. he knows im in a relationship, and he’s in a relationship as well. i emptied my heartaches to him, and he thot it was him. (arrogant? haha ). the online chat concluded badly, he didn’t like the idea of me as a bitch.  he went off the office, i stayed, but sms wise, he gave me this message:

Behind every circumstance is GOD’s purpose.  At times what we consider a trial is simply the HAND of GOD rearranging our lives d way HE wants it to be. God Bless!

that was the start of more getting to know each other line. (more…)

trying my best

u sent me an sms, i tried not to reply..
u sent me a smile, i tried not to notice…
u send me a insta-message, i tried not to reply with such “miss-you-so-much” note..

oh i did try…
but did not succeed…

i know i don’t have much cause to celebrate you’re being here as i am not much part of ur life. but u need not know how much it hurts having u away, missing u so much, wanting u back to where i can see you, but not be mine.

u’re not mine to have.

now u’re here.

back.

in her arms.

i miss u…

i miss u. so much.

so far away… our time difference doesn’t bother me. i know u won’t miss me, i know u won’t text me. i know u won’t call me.

but i’m happy…

i’m happy that i can talk to u online. i know i wasn’t ur last message text before u flew away, nor ur first landing message text or call… i know who it would be…

and it hurts

but it doesn’t matter much…

i was able to talked to u even for such a short while, and it feels that being with u, despite nonchalance and all that jazz, makes me live another cat life. 

she owns u.

i don’t own u.

but i miss u.

i love you

when somebody says

“i love you”

what does it mean?

…it means they feel this certain fondness with u at the time the words were said…
… that they care for u at the time when u were in their arms, embracing u, caressing u, kissing u…
     — me in ur ams, embraced by u, caressing me, kissing me —

… that they love you… at the time the words were said, that he was there, and u were there… and the world spins around the two of u — nobody else matters.. except the two of u. cellphones are unreachable, cars and people move in their own motion, music and noise blaring around… but both of u are in a different dimension - where only the two of u exist…
     — me and u : just the two of us…

that is “i love you”….
at the time it was told….

…

now, u’re in her arms, giving her a kiss… and u tell her “i love you”.
not my “i love you”… but hers…